Notes from The First Frost
Rarely do I re-watch anything. Life is short and I was of the opinion that I should always chase new experiences, rather than relive the old ones. I thwarted my own conviction, when seeking comfort and familiarity, I sought already loved experiences. And this time I penned my thoughts too. I wish I could discuss a series I watch with friends, like we did in college, and school, but now its almost impossible. So I repurpose my notes and observations from scratchpad & journal to publish something on the blog finally. If you too have watched this modern CDrama, read ahead and let's see if our notes match.
There’s this scene — the backdrop is high school — where rumors have spread around Wei Yifan and guys in her class are bothering her. Sang Yan pins the one who spread it onto Wei Yifan’s desk and asks him to apologize. Wei Yifan blurts ‘sorry’ without a moment’s delay. Sang Yan clicks his tongue at her apologizing for nothing and clarifies it’s him who should be sorry. This scene feels so younger me – walking on egg shells, hyper aware of my surroundings, apologizing on the flick of a finger to avoid conflict.
The aesthetics of The First Frost. The montages – when the episodes start – trains, pigeons, artificial water bodies, traffic lights, cars, trams, cable cars, matchbox houses, all the concrete city life. Synonymous with the metro. Transparent umbrella. Cuppa noodles and coke. Having a beer chilled straight from the refrigerator when you arrive home.
I love the title song. Never have I ever forwarded it. It is catchy, speaks of longing, even without my understanding a word of it I can feel the yearning, the love. The frames in the video tell a story of the past and present, enough to hook you in.
Regret – feeling it is wretched. And not doing anything to quench this feeling is more so. Pride – making her unable to ask for help. Unable to accept help, when its near.
Making your own breakfast – is lonely. Sometimes. Though sometimes it is relieving. It’s freedom.
Wired earphones. Bus rides home from college.
Complicated relationship with her mother.
Going home on holidays – those long leaves when all friends are away in their homes, and you are unable to. You do not really have a home to return to. That is such a devastating feeling. Like being alone on a different planet. Alone while the world is celebrating. In grief and in festivities, one should never have to be alone. And the happiness an unexpected company brings when you were sure and settled to wallow the day in bed, alone. The joy of eating together. Having dinner with another person, of not being deigned to eat alone. Watching TV together. A show is enjoyable when watched with someone.
Laughing with friends.
Being so unused to kindness that you tear up when someone is being kind to you. How hard is life for you, then? We should be kinder to ourselves.
A rumor of early relationship – why even in counselling the boy is discounted, but the girl is more severely punished. Chastised.
Making your sister tag along for ice-cream, as she wouldn’t feel comfortable going places together just with you.
Being able to have certain food item for the New Year’s eve, that you forgot to order takeaway, thanks to that roommate, past acquaintance who makes it possible.
Why are we embarrassed to have our loved one’s bear witness to our pain – all sad events of the day – why can’t we trust them enough.
She danced. He found her an unused terrace on the elementary school to practice peacefully. She is happy. He is happy to have made her happy. All heart wants are these little things.
When you look forward to coming back from work – you don’t feel alone anymore – there’s your roommate – with whom you have started getting along with – and now you can call your shared flat ‘home’ – you can occasionally share meals with him. Cook together.
Some love the hustle and bustle of the city. Keeps the negative thoughts away.
Emotionally distant. Its natural for people to drift apart with time, Wei Yifan considers someone like Sang Yan should be loved passionately, he should not end up with someone like her. She tries again to break ties, considering herself lacking, tries to flee once again. Keeping a constant distance with all – like having a separate trolley while buying from a supermarket with the roommate. Insisting one too many times for a separate bill.
Everyone is lonely. They seek companionship in games.
Constant rain – dull weather – leads to nostalgia. Plus a bit of melancholy. Transparent umbrella to appreciate the weather.
Sang Yan trying to get a job. Because they would see you favorably for it.
“How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.” – When you are old.
The place of one’s first love is irreplaceable. That note – “When you are old, I won’t forget the time we spent together.”
Hesitating to buy something for yourself – fearing you don’t deserve it. Those expensive things feels a waste when used on oneself. She couldn’t buy a cake for herself.
Him cooking for her. Porridge. Chicken soup. Hot pot. Honey + warm water – everyday morning. When he says there’s extra food, help me finish, to share all the goodness with her. She has lost so much weight. Then graduates to saying one day, the chicken soup is specially for you. She tears up. That kindness can make you tear up. Care can. Him then having to make excuses to have breakfast together, share a meal together.
Apologizing is never too late. Being able to bare your heart, your story to your best friend, who is always there of you – such a blessing.
The trajectory of the show oscillates between happy joyful moments and melancholic ones. There are chapters where the characters are filled with joy and love, blissful full of gratitude, and there are some where they reach the lowest points of their lives, loneliness all-encompassing, grief for what could have been.
Sleepwalking.
Sang Yan - Wanting to study harder. Striving to be better as a person. So that you could go to the same college as her. So that you can deserve her. And finally one day, have the courage to confess your heart to her.
What do children owe their parents? Why do some parents treat their children as property, demand monthly money from their salary? Do children owe? Care is conditional here. Monetary gain and value, repayment of sort only creates validity of a relationship.
Wei Yifan has no memories of Yihe. Four years of college. Two years of internship. Without friends there are no memories. When asked “why are you leaving?” when she quits her internship, she replies, “There’s nothing left for me here.”
Airport Scene: “Is anyone coming to pick you up?” – She replies,” I don’t usually have that.” Until Sang Yan turns up around the corner, and we audiences are left with happy giddy smiles.
To be young and be in love. To be able to make your love happy. Such a delight. A memory. A blessing.
Jealousy. Sweet jealousy. Office party – Letting loose with colleagues, Drinking a bit. Playing. Relaxing. Enjoying your time without worrying.
Her slowly accepting him, his help in her life. Bit by bit.
Wanting to be impulsive just once. Pretending to sleepwalk. After being drunk.
Fearing getting used to someone else’s presence. As previous experience told Life is full of partings. Always saying goodbyes. It’s better to not get used to anyone. To not form any emotional bonds, be emotionally distant. Getting used to good food. His cooked meals. So rejecting the offer to eat them. Being a bit distant already as a precaution. (I can well relate to this. I was emotionally distant for quite a few days or weeks in college with friends. Only one had noticed it. She was sensitive to it and had warned others about it.)
Wei Yifan – Confronting your bullies. Rumor mongers. Living with a rumor. A reputation. Willing to be invisible. How many times have I myself wished for that! Running away – being anonymous in a new city.
Losing weight. When life is hard. Stress piles up.
Sang Yan’s love for Wei Yifan is a lesson in endurance. A task in resilience. Always having to brace oneself for heartbreak. It is not bare minimum. Loving someone in pain who flees when life can’t be handled anymore. Who can flee again years later. Living with uncertainty. Impermanence. Still holding space for her in your life. Realizing how alone she truly is when he traces back her years after college – in Beiyu, Nanwu, and Yihe - through classmates, roommates, colleagues. Finding how trapped her life was – like in a prison. Restrained, always running, hiding, no one to care for her, no family to worry about her.
After rewatching The First Frost, I still can say this is my favorite love story. There’s a long list of love stories I love, but in recent years, I would rate this one highest. It explores so many facets – emotions, trauma, sleep, walking, PTSD, and finally healing. The entire journey of falling in love with someone, holding on to it, and showing up for it. Yearning, having, losing, understanding. Revelation. Proposal.
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